‘Hello Denmark – I will grab you by your pussy’

af i Satire/USA

DAGENS POV // TRUMP-PARODI – Denne tekst er baseret på præsidentens egne udtalelser blandet med foruroligende lidt fiktion og FAKE news. Muligvis den længste Twitter-lignende tekst, du nogensinde har læst.

Welcome to me, DonAss Trump, the master of distraction. A special hello to all of you who have known me and loved me through all the years.

I am so happy that there are thousands of people in the streets of Copenhagen, cheering for me. Like in London; there were at least hundred thousand people, and they all loved me. It was yuge! I have plenty of good advice to share with all you good people. Thank you, and you’re welcome.

We’re a big ally of Denmark and we help Denmark and we protect Denmark like we protect large portions of the world.

Denmark is a very special country with incredible people but based on Prime Minister and wonderful woman Mette Frederiksen’s comments, that she would have no interest in discussing the purchase of Greenland, I will be postponing our meeting for another time. I might not. It depends on my possibilities in Greenland. It’s nasty to say: “What an absurd idea that is”. She shouldn’t treat the United States that way.

A piece of good advice for you good people and for your wonderful woman prime minister is: Be a warrior and not a loser. Be a warrior together with me, that is. Or you will be the big-time Loser here. I’m a warrior and a winner. I win! I always do

I understand it costs Denmark around 700 million dollars a year to keep Greenland in the Kingdom of Denmark. Strategically, for the United States, it would be nice. Essentially, it’s a large real-estate deal.

It has been more than a hundred years since the US bought land from Denmark. Let’s make friends and trade again. We are so happy for the Virgin Islands and I hear that you Danes still visit a lot. Of course, you may still visit Greenland for cheap flight prices. I’m always being fair. Always.

The DonAss wants free trade. No matter the cost. I want Greenland. If you don’t give it up voluntarily now, I will come back for it! That’s it. No one pushes me around, and I always get even. I believe in eye for an eye. Always get even! If someone’s hurt you, never let anyone stand in your way to get even, do a number on them if you get the chance. Don’t ever turn the other cheek.

A piece of good advice for you good people and for your wonderful woman prime minister is: Be a warrior and not a loser. Be a warrior together with me, that is. Or you will be the big-time Loser here. I’m a warrior and a winner. I win! I always do. It’s true. That is just a simple fact.

And for the problem you have with illegals coming from the south, I have a suggestion for you, a piece of math you can compare with. At the most our Wall will cost $20 billion. Illegals cost US taxpayers $165 billion a year. Democrats want Open Borders and Crime! So dangerous for our Country.

But we are building a big, beautiful, NEW Wall! I will protect America! I’m the president of the United States of America, I’m not the president of the world.

Foreign individuals should not be allowed to come to America in order to take advantage of its welfare programs. This shouldn’t be a controversial statement. All American Laws ought to serve The American People.

To the girl squad: If you’re not happy here, you can leave. Send them back. They never have anything good to say anyway. They are a disgrace! Nasty women! They can leave right away; I have no idea who would miss them.

If you hate our Country, or if you are not happy here, you can leave! And that’s what I say all the time. All the time.

So, to the girl squad: If you’re not happy here, you can leave. Send them back. They never have anything good to say anyway. They are a disgrace! Nasty women! They can leave right away; I have no idea who would miss them.

Those tweets weren’t racist. I do not have a racist bone in my body. Hate has no place in our country. I might have been a bit frustrated, nothing more. At the end of the day, or at least by the end of the week, nobody remembers the story. It was all fiction. It was a lie and it was fiction.

My rhetoric’s bring people together. It’s true!

The Fake and Corrupt Media is sooo bad for our country, The Enemy of the People! You are FAKE News! Despite all the Fake News, my Poll Numbers are great. New internal polls show them to be the strongest we’ve had so far! Think what they’d be if I got fair media coverage!

With all that this Administration has accomplished, think what my Poll Numbers would be if we had an honest Media, which we do not!

“Journalism” has reached a new low in the history of our Country. It is nothing more than an evil propaganda machine for the Democrat Party, a Racism Witch Hunt. The reporting is so false, biased and evil that it has now become a very sick joke.

I am not a bully. I am not harassing anyone. I respect women! Because of me we’re the first country with comprehensive legislation on women’s leadership in political and civic life. It’s true.

Women’s sex drive is greater than men’s, it’s extraordinary. That shows me, there is no weaker sex. They are also more aggressive. I think that women without waving banners tend to be more successful

I’m a ladies’ man, I’ve always been. I’ve had great relationships with women.

Women’s sex drive is greater than men’s, it’s extraordinary. That shows me, there is no weaker sex. They are also more aggressive. I think that women without waving banners tend to be more successful. Nasty women can just leave. If they’re not happy here, they can just leave.

This is how I feel about abortion: I’m pro-life.

Let us work together to build a culture that cherishes innocent life. And let us reaffirm a fundamental truth: All children, born and unborn are made in the holy image of God. Under my administration, we will always defend the right to life. Make unborn babies great again! We must stick together and win for life in 2020.

I believe in the heartbeat bill. This means: If a fetus heartbeat can be detected, you are not allowed to have an abortion. You may be imprisoned with up to 99 years. The only exceptions are rape, incest and protecting the life of the mother. Ronald Reagan said the same.

About LGBT: I am better at LGBT rights than Hillary ever would have been. For this year’s Pride, I sold a bunch of Rainbow T-shirts saying “LGBTQ for Trump”.

Thank you to all of you nice LGBTQ-folks buying the T-shirt. The money shall be spent in my re-election campaigns. Thank you, thank you

. By the way, transgender people are not allowed in the US military, it is legal for companies firing people for being trans or gay. Shopkeepers don’t have to service trans or gay people if they have religious objections. That’s true.

After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our Military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you.

We need toughness, we need strength. We’ve got to be strong, very very smart, and we’ve got to come together, not only as a nation but as a world community. Thank you very much, God bless you and God bless America! Thank you

We (The US) give billions of dollars to other countries. It’s ridiculous. Those other countries should be paying us. You other countries are guilty of our, The United States of America’s, debt. And the reason why we can’t help our own people, the homeless, the sick, the farmers, the workers. Our airports are like third world countries’, our schools are a disaster, our roads are collapsing all over the country, we are a mess.

The US has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. Thank you. It’s true! People are fed up. They’re fed up with incompetence. They’re fed up with stupid leaders. They’re fed up with stupid people. Make America Great Again!

America will start winning again. Winning like never before. If I win, we all win, because we are gonna win!

The United States is now, by far, the Biggest, Strongest and Most Powerful Economy in the World. Consumers are in the best shape ever, plenty of cash. Sorry to disappoint Democrats, but the economy has never been stronger! Our Country is doing great! Don’t let the Fake News convince you otherwise.

Our economy is the best in the world, by far. Lowest unemployment ever within almost all categories. Great future for US. Our United States Arm Forces, America is working again, America is winning again, and America is respected again, respected like never before. We will win!

Keep America Great! I love our country. As long as I’m president, America will never bow to a foreign nation like we were for so many years. Americans can do anything, go anywhere, and outperform anyone. Nobody can beat us. Nothing can stop us because winning is what Americans do.

We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone but rather to let it shine as an example. We will shine for everyone to follow. Our Country is Free, Beautiful and Very Successful.

I donate 100% of my President’s salary, $400,000, back to our Country, and feel very good about it.

The truth is I’m actually a modest person. It’s true. Many people tell me that modesty perhaps is my best quality. Even better than my temperament. It’s true. It’s true

Nobody can do it like me. Nobody. Nobody can do it like me. Honestly. Nobody’s stronger than me. Nobody has better toys than I do. There is nobody bigger or better at military than I am. Nobody loves the bible more than I do. Nobody builds walls better than I do. Believe me. Nobody’s better to people with disabilities than me.

Nobody’s fighting for the veterans like I’m fighting for the veterans. There’s nobody that has done so much for equality as I have. Believe me, I am better for the gay community, I am better for women than Clinton will ever be on her best day.

There’s nobody more pro-Israel than I am. There’s nobody more conservative than me. There’s nobody that respects women more than I do. Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than DonAss Trump.

Nobody ever had crowds like Trump has had. Nobody understands the horror of nuclear better than me. Nobody understands it but me, devaluation. The sale of the uranium, that no one know what it means. I know what it means. Nobody knows more about trade than me. I beat China all the time. All the time. Nobody knows the game better than I do.

Nobody in the history of this country has ever known so much about infrastructure as DonAss Trump. Nobody knows politicians better than I do. Nobody knows more about taxes than I do. Nobody knows more about debt than I do. Nobody knows the system better than me. Which is why I alone can fix it.

The truth is I’m actually a modest person. It’s true. Many people tell me that modesty perhaps is my best quality. Even better than my temperament. It’s true. It’s true.


Topillustration: Christine Dreyer Alexandersen.

Uddannet i samfundsvidenskab og kultur- og sprogmødestudier fra RUC (2006) og i gender studies og antropologi fra Lunds Universitet (2009). Medredaktør og forfatter til Elitefeministerne – 25 års udskældt ligestillingskamp (2016) og Kvinde kend din krop (2013) samt bidragyder til Åbne og lukkede døre – en antologi om køn i pædagogik (2010).

Dreyer blev opdraget som feminist i Kvindeligt Selskab, som senere blev til Selskab for ligestilling, i årene 2006-2016.
Dreyer udbyder kurser og TALKS, om alt fra bryster, kussen, hud, kropsbehåring og kropsidealer set fra en kultursociologisk vinkel, til #MeToo, til kønnet opdragelse og normkritisk pædagogik og til videnskab og ideer om sandhed, særligt med introduktion til de store feministiske tænkere Judith Butler og Donna Haraway.
Dreyer er til daglig at finde i Baghusets feministiske kontorfællesskab, stiftet sammen med bl.a. ejer af e-quality Charlotte Kirkegaard og musiker Karina Willumsen.

Privat er Dreyer mor til to og samlevende med børnenes far på Ydre Østerbro. Dreyer er glad for kulørte overskæg, bandet Følsom Front, de skønne mennesker og flotte barpriser i Bøssehuset, Kvindelejren og at omgives feminister – de er og bliver de sjoveste og klogeste mennesker i verden.
Vil du støtte Dreyers arbejde, bidrag gerne med et beløb til MobilePay 31103606.

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